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Office Wars

A while back, as I left work, I spotted a dirty soup bowl that had hosted my lunch, and a half-inch of congealed Keurig-product in my coffee cup; and I hesitated. To clean or not clean? Pull off gloves and get my hands wet or pretend nothing ever happened? “Screw it,” I decided, stuffing a paper towel into each (why I felt that was necessary, I am not sure. Shame?), and walked out the door to dinner, happily unaware of the coup about to unfold on my desk.

Seriously, how can ants tell when one ounce of congealed liquid is present? How can previously undetected bugs know within 2 hours that Mariann was an idiot who left remnants of bean soup and DonutMan coffee on her desk?

And how do they hike their tiny little bodies from the fireplace all the way up my massive desk? Comparatively, it’d be like me languishing in Afghanistan and hearing a call from God that a tiny pool of chicken broth in Iraq suddenly materialized on top of a mountain as tall as 456,765,345,345 Marianns. How do they KNOW? How do they CLIMB that far so quickly? Where were they living? And what were they feasting on before my bean-soup-coffee pool? How did they find the energy to scale the sheer plywood wall of Kilimanjaro that is my desk after living in the wasteland that is my empty fireplace?

At least, I’m guessing the fireplace is their land of origin. After discovering a colony of them doing the backstroke in my coffee cup and having a hoe-down in my soup bowl, I traced a steady stream to a microscopic hole in the fireplace. Along the way, some were sunbathing on my election spreadsheets, others had taken up residency in my paper clip jar, and some grumpy introverts had buried themselves into the dark recesses of my Fall 2012 files.

I did what any decent human being would do — flushed the insurgents captured in my dishes down the drain and bought traps to lure the rest into sticky deaths. The ones who escaped back to the motherland carried the poison on their ant-toes and inadvertently killed their whole clan.

Desperate times call for desperate measures here in Annapolis.

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