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Posts Tagged ‘Romance’

In Which I Contemplate Marriage

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When the bride says, “Jump,” you jump.

Two good friends are getting hitched this summer, and I’m honored to be involved in both wedding ceremonies. However, for all of you future brides out there who haven’t yet selected your wedding subservients, I submit to you my wedding resume, in the odds that you want the best bridesmaid ever.

To Whom It May Concern/Dear Brides Everywhere/Reader of My Wedding Resume:

You don’t know it yet, but you want me in your wedding. Before you protest that you don’t know me, or even don’t like me, I ask you first to read below my experience and skills.

  • Creativity. With T-minus 14 hours until aisle-time, I crafted an Eden, a paradise, AKA, the head table, complete with fake doves in nests of purple tulle. You give me 20 items from the Dollar Store and I will make them shine.
  • Commitment. I forgot my dress in Virginia and still turned around mid-West Virginia to retrieve it.
  • Humor. I have an unlimited repertoire of risqué jokes that go far over the heads of the small children in the bridal party.
  • Sincerity: I cry when I give speeches mostly because I haven’t had a chance to get at the alcohol yet.
  • Making the bride look even more beautiful by comparison. If you need a bridesmaid to burn off her entire epidermis before a California ceremony, I’m your girl.
  • Generosity. I will not fight for the bouquet. It’s a waste of time, anyway, and I’m too busy handing out my number to groomsmen.
  • I’ve already learned my lesson in Just Married car-decorating. Hence, the one car whose finish the fates ordained I would completely strip off with “washable” paint has already been thus defaced (sorry, Steph).
  • I will make your creepy uncle look like a great dancer. My small nieces and nephews screamed in terror at my rendition of “Livin’ on a Prayer” and no one cared to learn my “Love Shack” moves.
  • An assuring voice. I possess an assuring voice, I’ve been told. No matter how great the tragedy, how ugly the centerpieces, how much I hate your color palette  I will soothingly tell you how perfect everything is and hypnotize you into believing it.
  • Also, a commanding voice. If you are floundering whether to  choose fuchsia or mauve, I will settle your indecision with a tone that leaves you with zero qualms that mauve cummerbunds are absolutely the way to proceed.
  • I will gladly be your coffee bitch. Because while everyone is stressing out the bride and vice-versa, I am more than happy to take an hour to meander away to a coffee shop and meander back just as all the drama-dust has settled. I can thus declare neutrality for the rest of the day, and everyone sees me as an ally because I caffeinated them.
  • I diffuse tension. When my best friend got married, our host’s cat had just had a litter of kittens. Whenever the bride showed signs of stress, I dispatched bridesmaids to hand her a kitten. Programs, bouquets, makeup, favors – done in record time.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to proceeding you down the aisle.

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